The Pressure We Put on Ourselves, and How Self-Compassion Can Help
There’s a particular kind of exhaustion that doesn’t come from doing too much, it comes from never feeling like you’re doing enough.
Enough at work.
Enough as a parent.
Enough as a partner.
Enough with your body.
Enough with your healing.
For so many high-capacity, self-aware people, the pressure isn’t coming from the outside anymore. It’s internalized. It sounds like:
“I should be further along by now.”
“Other people handle this better.”
“I know better but why am I still struggling?”
“I just need to try harder.”
And under that pressure? Often guilt.
When Guilt Becomes the Driver
Guilt can be useful. It helps us repair, take responsibility, and align with our values.
But many of us are living with chronic, ambient guilt, guilt for resting, guilt for wanting more, guilt for having needs, guilt for not being perfectly healed, productive, or grateful.
And here’s the quiet truth:
Guilt doesn’t always lead to growth.
Sometimes it leads to shame.
And shame leads to shutdown.
When guilt turns into self-attack, it stops being motivating and starts being paralyzing.
You might notice:
Overworking to “make up” for something.
Apologizing excessively.
Difficulty enjoying pleasure or rest.
A constant sense that you’re behind.
This is not a character flaw. It’s often a nervous system pattern.
What Self-Compassion Actually Is (And Isn’t)
Kristin Neff, a leading researcher on self-compassion, writes:
“With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.”
Self-compassion is not:
Letting yourself off the hook.
Avoiding accountability.
Making excuses.
Becoming complacent.
It is:
Telling the truth about what’s hard.
Recognizing your humanity.
Allowing imperfection without self-punishment.
Responding to struggle with care instead of contempt.
It has three core components:
Self-kindness instead of self-criticism
Common humanity instead of isolation (“It’s just me”)
Mindfulness instead of over-identification with the story
For many of us, self-criticism feels productive. It feels responsible. It feels like the thing that keeps us from failing.
But research consistently shows that self-compassion leads to:
Greater resilience
More consistent motivation
Lower anxiety and depression
Healthier accountability
The voice that says “You’re terrible” does not create sustainable change.
The voice that says “This is hard, and you’re still worthy” does.
How Guilt Gets in the Way
Guilt often disguises itself as morality.
“I should do more.”
“I shouldn’t feel this way.”
“I don’t deserve rest until I’ve earned it.”
But sometimes guilt is really:
Fear of being seen as selfish.
Fear of being rejected.
Fear of disappointing others.
Fear of being “too much” or “not enough.”
When guilt runs the show, we override:
Our bodies.
Our limits.
Our grief.
Our pleasure.
And eventually, our nervous system pushes back — through burnout, resentment, anxiety, or numbness.
Practical Ways to Practice Self-Compassion (Without Forcing It)
Self-compassion is not another thing to perform perfectly. It’s a posture.
Here are a few gentle practices you can experiment with:
1. The Friend Test
Ask yourself:
“If someone I loved were in this exact situation, what would I say to them?”
Then try saying that — even awkwardly — to yourself.
2. Name the Pressure
Instead of “I’m failing,” try:
“I’m noticing a lot of pressure right now.”
“I’m scared of not being enough.”
“Part of me thinks I should be better by now.”
This shifts you from being inside the shame to observing it.
3. Hand on Heart Pause
Place a hand on your chest.
Take one slow breath.
Say:
“This is hard. I’m allowed to struggle.”
It sounds simple. It can be profound.
4. Replace “Should” With “What Do I Need?”
Instead of:
“I should work more.”
“I should be over this.”
Try:
“What do I need in this moment?”
“What would feel supportive right now?”
5. Hold Space Instead of Fixing
Not everything needs immediate resolution.
Sometimes self-compassion is just:
Sitting with the ache.
Letting the tears come.
Not turning pain into a productivity project.
You Are Not Behind
Healing isn’t linear.
Growth isn’t clean.
Transformation isn’t aesthetic.
If you feel like you’re in-between, not who you were, not yet who you’re becoming, that space is sacred.
The pressure you feel doesn’t mean you’re failing.
It often means you care deeply.
And you deserve care, too.
If this resonates, consider what it might look like to loosen your grip, even 5% on perfection this week.
Not to become less.
But to become more human.