What’s Holding You Back from Experiencing More Pleasure?
(It’s probably not what you think.)
As a sex therapist, I hear this question all the time:
"Why can’t I experience more pleasure?"
So let’s name the truth.
Many of us are carrying invisible barriers, old stories, cultural messages, relationship wounds that quietly block our ability to fully let go and receive.
Sometimes we think it’s our partner.
Sometimes we think it’s our body.
Sometimes we think it’s a broken libido.
But often?
It’s the story we’re still carrying.
The Stories That Get In The Way
You might not say these things out loud, but they live in your body:
I’m too much.
I don’t deserve this.
I need to earn pleasure.
I should just be grateful with what I have.
They’ll leave if I ask for more.
Sound familiar?
When we’ve been taught that pleasure is something we have to earn, or that it’s selfish, or unsafe. It makes sense that we would stay disconnected from our own bodies.
This isn’t just about sex.
It’s about your relationship with joy, rest, self-pleasure, and intimacy.
It’s about the nervous system learning that it’s finally safe to feel good.
Pleasure Requires Safety
Many of my clients come into sex therapy thinking I’ll give them quick tips to increase desire or reignite their spark. But before any of that can happen, we have to talk about safety. About trauma-informed healing and learning to regulate the nervous system.
Because you can’t access pleasure if your body is still living in protection.
You can’t soften into connection when you’re holding on to old wounds.
This is why I ask:
What’s holding you back from experiencing more?
What would heighten your pleasure today?
What helps you feel safe? Seen? Soft?
A Daily Practice of Curiosity
Let’s normalize asking:
What would feel good today?
What do I need right now?
What helps me soften into my body?
Your pleasure doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s.
It doesn’t need to be performative.
It’s not selfish. It’s not shameful.
It’s sacred. It’s yours.
Whether you’re exploring self-pleasure, partnered intimacy, or simply wanting to reconnect with your body, you deserve to feel safe enough to enjoy it.
Where Do We Start?
Start by getting curious.
Start by softening the stories.
Start by gently challenging the shame.
Start by talking about it—with a therapist, or a trusted partner.
If this resonates, I’d love to hear from you.
Let’s reframe pleasure and move toward deeper connection—both with yourself and others.