Is It Normal? What You’re Afraid to Ask About Sex, Answered Honestly

One of the most common questions I hear as a sex therapist is:
“Is this normal?”

There’s something deeply human about wanting to know if what we’re experiencing, especially with sex, is okay.

Here’s the truth: there is so much misinformation, shame, and stigma about sex, it’s no wonder so many of us are left feeling confused or broken.

Let’s unpack a few of the most common “Is it normal…?” questions I hear and get real answers:

Is it normal to fantasize about people other than my partner?
Yes. Fantasy doesn’t always mean action or intent. It’s a place our mind goes which is often shaped by our history, culture, or desires. Fantasies can exist alongside deep commitment. It’s what we do with them and how we communicate that matters.

Is it normal to not want sex when my partner does?
Completely. Desire discrepancy is common. You are allowed to have your own rhythms. The key is open, compassionate conversation, not shame or pressure.

Should sex be painful?
No. Pain is a signal, not something to push through. If sex is painful, it may be physical (like pelvic floor tension or hormonal shifts) or emotional (like unresolved trauma). You deserve care and answers.

Do SSRIs and other medications affect libido?
Yes, they can. Antidepressants (and some other meds) often impact desire, arousal, or orgasm. You’re not broken and there are options. Talk to a provider who understands sexual health and mental health together.

The takeaway?
Normal isn’t a fixed point — it’s a wide, diverse range of experiences.

The real question is:
Is it working for you?
Does it feel aligned with your needs, values, and pleasure?

That’s where the real conversation begins.