What Does Safety Have to Do with Sex?
We often talk about sex in terms of technique, desire, or performance — but rarely do we hear the word safety come up unless it’s about protection or STIs.
But I want to go deeper.
I want to talk about what it means to feel safe in your body, in your nervous system, in your relationships and how that safety is the foundation for real, connected, fulfilling sex.
Let’s Get Honest: Most of Us Aren’t Taught Safety
If you were raised in a culture that avoided conversations about sex,
If your early sexual experiences were rushed, confusing, or lacked consent,
If you’ve experienced trauma (sexual or otherwise),
Then safety might not feel like something you associate with sex.
In fact, your body might associate sex with tension, performance, fear, or shutdown.
And that makes sense.
Because without safety, we can’t access the full range of our pleasure, connection, or even choice.
Safety Isn’t a Mood. It’s a Body Experience.
Safety isn’t just “feeling fine.”
It’s your nervous system’s ability to relax, to receive, to be present.
Safety in sex means:
You can speak up if something doesn’t feel good.
You can stay connected to your body (rather than dissociate).
You know your “yes,” your “maybe,” and your “no” and your partner honors them.
You don’t have to perform or pretend.
This is where real intimacy grows, not just in the act but in the space around it.
This is Why I Work Through a Trauma-Informed Lens
In sex therapy, clients often come in thinking we’ll be talking about positions or mismatched desire.
And sometimes we do.
But more often, we’re talking about how your body learned to survive, how it learned to shut down, people-please, or disconnect from what you actually want.
When we start to build internal and relational safety, everything shifts:
Desire returns.
Boundaries become clearer.
Connection deepens.
And sex becomes something you get to enjoy not endure.
So What Can You Do?
If you’re reading this and thinking this is me — here’s what I want you to know:
You are not broken.
You are not “too much” or “not enough.”
You may just need safety before you can access pleasure.
Take small steps toward noticing what feels good in your body.
Practice saying “no” without over-explaining.
Surround yourself with people who earn your trust, not demand it.
And know that healing — and sexy, soulful connection — is possible.
Working Together
As a certified sex therapist and trauma-informed counselor, I support people in reclaiming their sexual lives through the lens of nervous system regulation, emotional intimacy, and embodied safety.
If you’re curious about working together or want to explore this further, reach out here.
You deserve a sex life that feels safe, pleasurable, and yours.